Women Work to Ensure That Girls’ Self-Esteem Survives Adolescence : Lifestyle: This Wednesday is “Take Our Daughters to Work” day. Organizers hope to demonstrate that brains are more important than looks, combatting society’s not so subtle message.

NEW YORK — Downstairs at the McDonald’s counter, a group of parochial schoolgirls in pastel uniforms are on their way out, giddy and rambunctious, arms slung casually around one another.

Upstairs, 16-year-old Lisa Rogers dumps the remains of her morning snack in a nearby trash can, then draws a wand of plum lip gloss to her lips and checks her face in a hand mirror. Her friend Alisa DeBride, eyes closed, listens to whatever is playing through her Walkman earphones.

Between the parochial schoolgirls and these two silent teen-agers lie the years that shape tomorrow’s women, the years of inevitable adolescent tumult and critical self-examination.

“I was real smart in school, up to the 8th grade,” said Alisa, a 17-year-old high school student. “There was nobody and nothing to pressure me away from working hard.

“But guys . . . , “ she said, her eyes widening in exasperation. “If they see a dope body and a pretty face, they want to hit you up. They don’t want to know who you are, what’s inside you. No. No way.”

Looking cool, dressing cool, listening to the coolest music are all key to success in high school. Not coincidentally, according to studies, it is then that millions of girls begin to doubt themselves and their dreams.

All children are born with self-esteem, that intangible quality so important to success in life. But as they grow older, real life--and all its advertised images of what people should be--often erodes that core acceptance.

“Part of the message that girls get sent is that it’s not about what they do. It’s about how they look,” said Nell Merlino, an organizer of this Wednesday’s national “Take Our Daughters to Work” campaign.

Sponsored by the Ms. Foundation, women from all walks of life are being asked to spend their day with a girl between the ages of 9 and 15. The idea is to offer some sense of the world open to them, and their place in it.

But like a lot of girls on the brink of womanhood, Lisa and Alisa often feel overwhelmed or trapped by society’s expectations. They sense what counts and yearn to fit in.

Lisa knows her looks are out front, for better or worse. So she worries about her clothes and makeup, while her A’s have slipped to C’s and D’s. She doesn’t feel good about it, but she doesn’t want to be an outcast either.

“I used to think I could do anything a boy could do. I tried to do everything my brothers did,” Lisa said, shyly. “I was a little tomboy. Then around 13, I realized boys don’t like tomboys.”

They also don’t like “brains,” or girls who get too much attention in class. And Lisa expects more of the same from the wider world. She wants to be an astronaut, but has no illusions.

“The way society is, I don’t believe I could ever pass a man. I don’t even want to compete. They won’t really see me. Or take me serious.”

She’s not giving up, largely because she has supportive parents who have encouraged her to be different, be herself and shoot high. Still, realistically, she faces a field that traditionally has not welcomed women.

Studies conducted by scholars at Wellesley College’s Center for Research on Women have found the odds stacked against women who dream of going into the male-oriented fields of math and science.

Among a group of 230 college freshmen who planned to major in physical or biological sciences, mathematics, computer science, engineering and premedical studies, it was the young women who tended to lose faith and drop out in significant numbers.

The study indicated problems start at the chalkboard: 56% of women feared they would be wrong when speaking up in class, contrasted with 39% of men. The majority of men felt free to disagree with professors; 48% of women did not.

For their efforts to be demure and polite, girls often are overlooked in the classroom. When the gregarious boy in back acts up, the teacher tends to pay attention. It may be negative attention, but the focus is what counts.

It starts early, and often is unconscious. A comprehensive report released last year by the American Assn. of University Women found these differences are bred into little girls and boys beginning at birth.

“From pink and blue tags in hospital nurseries to Barbie dolls and G.I. Joes and on to cheerleaders and football players, our society holds different expectations for girls and boys,” the study said.

Sex roles are deeply embedded, the legacy of generations, so it’s not surprising that they show up--often unconsciously--in the way we treat our daughters. By the time they are 6 or 7, children know their roles.

While in elementary school, an average of 69% of girls reported they were “happy the way I am,” according to the AAUW study. In high school, the figure dropped to 29%.

By the time puberty hits, girls generally have sized up the game--and are savvy enough to realize it can pay to play. They begin to re-examine themselves, according to the images of “success” they’ve seen.

From many of their role models on TV and in the movies, girls learn that seductresses are stars. Strong, smart women may be interesting, but they seldom end up with the leading man on their arm.

Marie Wilson, president of the Ms. Foundation, remembers the message.

“I was a confident little girl who danced and swam across lakes and felt fine,” she said recently. “Then I got to be an adolescent. I came to weigh 83 pounds at 13 or 14 years old. The reason girls’ sense of self-esteem is so low is that it’s based a lot on how we look.”

Girls begin to starve themselves into centerfold shape. “You start to take in the message that I’m not worth anything,” Wilson said. “If you’re a good girl, a quiet girl, a pretty girl, you can be valued . . . but self-esteem is about trusting your authority and knowledge and strength.”

Parents, of course, have taken a special interest in nurturing self-esteem in their children.

But it’s not as simple as heaping praise on your sons or daughters, supporting their every wish and dream. Child psychologist Lawrence Shapiro of King of Prussia, Pa., cautions that parents should not be overzealous.

“A parent who says everything a child does is great and rewards the child every time he does anything, that can do more damage than good,” said Shapiro, who seven years began offering an entire catalogue of toys designed to enhance children’s sense of self.

“A parent can’t give to a child what they don’t have themselves,” said Gary Morais of Monterey, Calif., a therapist specializing in self-esteem issues. “A child who has a parent that can’t make a decision may have a difficult time making decisions. A child who comes from parents who can’t express their feelings and emotions ends up feeling inadequate about expressing their feelings and emotions.”

Lynn Marquard, 42, had this in mind when she sought Morais’ help. Since childhood, too much of her identity had been tied up in the opinions of others, measured by their expectations rather than by what she held in her heart.

“It was all exterior,” said Marquard, who lives in Carmel, Calif. “I had pretty good self-esteem on the outside, but didn’t on the inside. I needed approval, followed society’s dictates and came up empty.”

Her Stanford University diploma, teaching career and stable home weren’t enough. She wanted a sturdier sense of self, both as a woman and as a mother.