LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Jay Leno, on the heat wave in Washington: “President Clinton was actually welcoming the cold stares he got from Hillary.”

Among David Letterman’s Top 10 Signs that Ben (of Ben & Jerry’s) has gone nuts:

* Latest batch of “Cherry Garcia” contains beard fragments and guitar picks.

* On way out of work each day, yells “So long, ice cream, Daddy will be back tomorrow.”

* Recently accused North Korea of stockpiling chocolate chips.

* In private ceremony, married both Baskin & Robbins.

* Just got “lick me” tattoo.

* Walks around nude except for a well-placed waffle cone.

* The expiration date on his (butt).

Tony Peyser, on disappointed Vancouver Canucks fans rampaging after their team lost the Stanley Cup:

“The city has had bigger riots, but a spokesman for the rioters said that it has been a rebuilding year. ‘We’re hoping to make some trades in the off-season and that’ll put us back on top as the best sports rioters anywhere.’ ”

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The Morning After: “I have mixed emotions when I receive my Father’s Day gifts. I’m glad my children remember me; I’m disappointed that they actually think I dress like that.”

--Humor Files Newsletter

Did you hear about National Childfree Adult Day, which honors those who have chosen not to have kids? Apparently, child-free couples celebrate by going out and buying themselves really ugly ties and really cheap perfume.

--Paul Steinberg

My parents dream was for me to have everything they didn’t. Thanks to ozone holes, fear of AIDS and no health insurance, their dream has come true.

--Brad Slaight

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A woman arrives at a surgeon’s home and knocks on the door; the doctor’s 4-year-old daughter answers.

“Is your father at home?” the woman asks.

“Not right now,” the little girl replies. “He’s performing an appendectomy.”

The woman leans down and says, “That’s a mighty big word for a little girl like you. Do you know what it means?”

“Yeah,” the little girl answers. “About three thousand bucks, not counting the anesthesiologist.”

--K.C. Mitchell, Los Angeles

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Reader Tom Sinsky says incidents like the following are why he loves living in L.A.:

I called Supercuts in Marina del Rey to see if Missy was in. The person answering the phone responded, “Which Missy?”

I said, “Uh, the one with the nose ring.”

Came the reply: “We have two Missys with nose rings.”