Laugh Lines : Jokes

In the news: On the arrest of Carlos the Jackal, one of the world’s most notorious terrorists:

* “Since it’s now believed that he didn’t do many of the violent acts attributed to him, terrorists had recently downgraded him from a jackal to a hyena.”

--Tony Peyser

* “Carlos has been linked to Germany’s Baader-Meinhoff gang, the Turkish Popular Liberation Front, and the Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny’s.”

* “He was caught when agents intercepted a piece of mail sent to him by Ed McMahon that said, ‘Carlos the Jackal, you may already be a winner.’ ”

-- Mark Miller

* “It was a pretty easy capture. They gave his name to an Amway representative and the guy tracked him down.”

* “Actually, Yasser Arafat apparently had Carlos’ phone number on his MCI Family and Friends Plan.”

-- Jay Leno

“Carlos was able to stay in hiding because he was a master of disguise. For 10 years, he played ‘Uncle Charlie’ on ‘My Three Sons.’ ”

-- Argus Hamilton

“My hard-of-hearing uncle was surprised Carlos was arrested in the Sudan. He thought a terrorist’s preferred vehicle was the attempted coupe.”

-- Keith Scheuer

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In the nodes: Leno, on O. J. going to Cedars-Sinai last Thursday for a minor surgical procedure:

* “I think he may have hurt his case. When the doctor walked in with a scalpel, O. J. said, ‘You call that a knife?’ ”

* “It was nothing serious. Two hours of surgery to remove Robert Shapiro’s hand from O. J.’s wallet.”

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Also in the news: Bruce McNall, former sole owner of the Kings, is actively negotiating a plea bargain to resolve a criminal probe. Comedy writer Peyser reports that McNall has already admitted to lying about his weight on his driver’s license.

Officials at the Louvre in Paris insist they will not remove four centuries of dirt and grime from the Mona Lisa. Comedy writer Bob Mills says the officials fear that doing so might reveal the fact that Leonardo da Vinci actually used a paint-by-numbers kit.

Hamilton, on the U. N. asking the United States to help end Bosnia’s civil war: “It’s taken the U. S. 130 years to get Mississippi, Alabama, Oklahoma and South Carolina to lower the Rebel flags over their state capitols, and the U. N. thinks we can help end the civil war in Bosnia right away.”

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On a recent Southern vacation, John Elfmont introduced his son, Daniel, to exotic dishes, including alligator and rattlesnake. The young man agreed to try both after being assured by his dad that they “taste just like chicken.” Back home in L. A., when grandma asked about their trip, Daniel told her of eating alligator. She asked him what it tasted like.

“Oh,” he answered, “just like rattlesnake.”