LAUGH LINES : Punch Lines

The envelope, please: Oscar nominations are out. “Babe,” the talking pig movie, is up for best picture but faces tough competition in the biggest ham category.

* “Best picture nominee ‘The Postman (Il Postino)’ should scare the rest of the field. He’s disgruntled.” (Paul Ecker)

* “The star of ‘Babe’ would be thrilled to be honored by an Oscar--as long as it isn’t Oscar Mayer.” (Charlie Reinke)

*

That other contest: Pat Buchanan credits his strong showing in the Iowa caucuses to the negative campaigning of others:

* “Pat ran a positive campaign,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “Positive that gays are an abomination, positive that immigrants are scum. . . .”

* “The influence of the religious right was much stronger than predicted. Several voters leaving the polls were turned into pillars of salt.” (Bob Mills)

* “Steve Forbes has gone from flat tax to flat line in no time flat.” (Cutler)

* “Gee, Forbes was like ‘Richie Rich’--spent a zillion on advertising and still managed to bomb.” (Cutler)

*

Also in the news: The hair restorer Rogaine has been approved for over-the-counter sales. Says Mills: “Critics fear that women all across the country may now turn their boyfriends and husbands into Chia Pets.”

Minister Louis Farrakhan called Iran “a model of religious democracy.” Says Cutler: “He also called Haiti ‘a model of economic development,’ France ‘a model of politeness’ and England ‘the best place for good eats.’ ”

A survey in Men’s Health magazine found that the average man makes love for 10 minutes:

* “Of course, the first three minutes are spent bragging and the last five minutes are spent apologizing.” (Alex Kaseberg)

* “Hey, halftime only lasts 15 minutes.” (Joe Vogel)

Bill Gates’ book “The Road Ahead” is a big hit in China, but Kenny Noble says there’s been a slight misunderstanding. “Many were under the impression it was all about Bob Hope and Bing Crosby.”

*

Coming up roses: Today is Valentine’s Day:

* “A survey reveals that 70% of men say sex is the most important element of the Valentine’s celebration. In other words, to most men it’s a day like any other.” (Alan Ray)

* “A smiling, pink-faced cherub was seen slinging arrows all over the Midwest. It wasn’t Cupid, just Steve Forbes out campaigning.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “Michael Jackson will spend the evening alone this year. It’s a school night.” (Ray)

* “Today, Godiva chocolates and strawberry butter creams. Tomorrow, a mound of cottage cheese.” (Noble)

*

Larry Turriff took son Tony, 7, to a new doctor for a physical exam. When the doctor asked if he had any bowel problems, Tony replied:

“Oh, I know them--A, E, I, O, U.”