Troubleshooting With Teens

Faced with an enigma wrapped in hormone, parents of teenagers usually make two mistakes. They either try to crank up the control, spying or instituting breath tests for instance, or they abandon all responsibility and thus avoid any conflicts whatsoever. Sometimes they do both.

Michael Riera, a Bay Area high school teacher who sees kids more objectively than their parents and likes them immensely, has gained a word-of-mouth following over the last year for championing a caring alternative based on understanding their inner lives.

Beginning when a child is about age 11, uncontrollable physical changes combine with a profound shift from concrete to abstract thinking, he explains in his book, “Uncommon Sense for Parents With Teenagers” (Celestial Arts, 1995), now in its fourth printing. The combination accounts for almost every behavior, from moodiness to body piercing and the relentless stretch for independence.

At this point, kids summarily “fire” parents from their former job as the child’s day-to-day “manager.” They won’t act like it, Riera says, but they still want parents to work like crazy to get rehired as a trusted “consultant,” advising more than directing and laying down consequences only for health and safety issues. Parents need to:

* Encourage teens to make their own decisions to build decision-making “muscles.”

* Be aware that moderate alcohol and drug experimentation does not necessarily lead to dependency.

* Admit their own mistakes.

* Remember they don’t have a lot of control. But they can have a lot of influence.

Riera, a frequent guest on network TV, has published a second book for teens and is working on a third about high school.