Punch Lines

Bombs Away: “As you may well know, Congress is furious that the CIA, the biggest spy network in the world, didn’t know India was setting off atomic weapons. In fact, they said it was the worst failure of intelligence in Washington since Dan Quayle was sworn in.” (Jay Leno)

Buggin’: Volkswagen’s new Beetle is being recalled for repairs, barely a month after returning from a 19-year absence. “In an effort to replicate the old Beetles, Volkswagen needs to rewire the Bugs so the radio breaks and the horn only works when the wipers are going.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Too, Too Much: “Following on the heels of his successful ‘Too Hot for TV’ video, Jerry Springer is coming out with another called ‘Too Much Acting for TV.’ ” (Andrew Wisot)

Thrill Pill Book: A major publishing company is coming out with a new book called “Viagra Nation.” “Not surprisingly, it will only be available in hard cover.” (Conan O’Brien)

Eight Is Enough: President Clinton was in Europe recently attending the Big Eight conference. “Or as it’s known by its Secret Service code name, ‘One Guy, Seven Girls and a Hot Tub.’ ” (Steve Voldseth)

Save the Date: The big trend in high school proms this year is kids going without dates. In fact, according to one survey, only 51% of the girls said they planned to go with a boyfriend. “The other 49% planned to go with a Lamaze coach.” (Voldseth)

Smoke Screen Politics: Thick smoke from fires in Mexico and Central America is wafting into Texas. “Texas Republicans Phil Gramm and George W. Bush say what they need now are some mirrors and they will have created the state’s GOP platform.” (Jerry Perisho)

Leapin’ Lizard: TriStar pictures says the new Godzilla is as tall as the St. Louis Arch, fast on his feet and has a foot as big as Wrigley Field. “Just what the L.A. Clippers need.” (Earl Hochman)

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And in This Corner:

Ex-heavyweight champs George Foreman and Larry Holmes, both near 50, have agreed to return to the ring for a fight in Las Vegas:

* “It will be billed ‘The Geezers at Caesar’s.’ ” (Kaseberg)

* “The winner will fight Morley Safer.” (O’Brien)

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