LAUGH LINES

Tissue Issue: Researchers have developed techniques to begin growing any kind of body tissue organ. “The breakthrough holds great promise for people who have cancer, kidney disease or Mike Tyson as their next boxing opponent.” (Joshua Sostrin)

A Quandary: This week marks the Pillsbury Doughboy’s 33rd birthday. “Here’s my question: Do you give him a cake or is that cannibalism?” (Jay Leno)

Rich Soil: Dirt from a Malibu coastal bluff that collapsed in June is being used to build an 8-acre park in South-Central Los Angeles. “The trouble with Malibu dirt is if you want something to grow, you have to use Evian water.” (Bill Williams)

Excuse Me!: Worker absenteeism is at its highest level in seven years. “ ‘Family issues’ are now the No. 1 excuse. ‘Calling in sick’ is No. 2. This is because ‘I hate my dumb job and I’m staying home to watch “Oprah” ’ usually leads to a negative memo in your personnel file.’ ” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

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The Essential David Letterman

The real reasons Newt Gingrich is leaving:

9. Vernon Jordan got him a job at Revlon.

8. Figured he’d have a decent chance playing for the Knicks’ scab team.

7. Phil Donahue wants the hair back.

6. Finally taking that romantic Caribbean cruise with Pat Buchanan.

5. Fears 20-year-old nude photos will turn up on the Internet.

4. Just doesn’t feel Newty anymore.

3. Do you know what it’s like working side by side with Barbara Boxer every day and not be able to touch her, not be able to hold her?

2. Exchange program with WWF--we get Jesse Ventura, they get Newt “The Brute.”

1. Strom’s starting to get a little “ripe.”

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