LAUGH LINES

Rockin’ Seniors: “Here’s some good news. The Senate voted unanimously to allow people over 65 to work as much as they want and still collect Social Security with no penalty. So finally some good news for the Rolling Stones.” (Jay Leno)

Business as Usual Again: “The big strike in the East settled . . . so Ding Dongs are once again on the roads to supermarkets. But . . . enough about America’s truck drivers.” (Jerry Perisho)

Full Service: “These gas prices are still not letting up. And it’s getting especially bad at these carwash-gas stations. Like today, when I pulled up to get the car washed, the first thing the attendant did was vacuum out my wallet.” (Andrew Wisot)

In the Bag: “Hundreds of people lined up in New York recently . . . to meet Monica Lewinsky, who was there introducing her new line of handbags. The bags carry a label that reads ‘Made Especially for You by Monica.’ And like the former White House intern, they’re oversized and have no defined shape.” (Ira Lawson)

Crime and Punishment: “In Pakistan, a judge has ordered a convicted murderer to be strangled, cut into a hundred pieces and then boiled in acid. Isn’t there a dominatrix on Hollywood Boulevard who would do the same thing for $200?” (Wisot)

Getting Hooked: “China announced . . . that it plans to make cable TV available to 800 million viewers. Can you imagine 800 million people standing around waiting for that cable guy? . . . You’re gonna have to be home between 9 a.m. and the year 2040.” (Leno)

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