In This Hollywood Ending, Dorothy Gets Her Revenge

On ... its 29th day in American theaters, the British horror film “28 Days Later” will be given a new ending. Moviegoers who endure the film’s stark and terrifying depiction of an England all but wiped out by a rampaging virus will be able to choose just how unsparing they want this apocalyptic vision of the future to be.

-- New York Times

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Riding the success of the multiple-ending version of “28 Days Later,” the major studios have announced plans to release the following films with enhanced alternative endings:

* “The Wizard of Oz”: In the new version, Dorothy awakens in Kansas and vows revenge on that harpy Miss Gulch for giving her such a creepy dream in the first place. Hopping aboard her Harley-Davidson Fat Boy, Dorothy challenges Gulch to a race to determine, once and for all, who is faster and more furious.

“This time,” Dorothy tells Toto, “it’s personal.”

* “Chinatown”: The original, depressing last line of this film -- “Forget it, Jake, it’s Chinatown” -- is supplanted in the new version by, “Forget Chinatown, Jake, it’s South Beach!” Whereupon Jake jets to Miami to check out the sun, salsa and sizzling sorority sisters.

* “Citizen Kane”: As workers clear out Kane’s belongings from Xanadu, Charles Foster Kane pops out of a wooden storage crate, alive, well and surprisingly buff.

Brandishing an Uzi in each hand, his chiseled torso naked save for crisscrossed ammo belts, he’s a man with a mission: protect the secret of “Rosebud,” even if that means blowing away every sucker in his path.

* “Sunset Boulevard”: Norma Desmond descends the staircase of her mansion just as in the original version, but instead of saying, “I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille,” she now says, “I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. Bruckheimer.”

The audience, upon hearing producer Jerry Bruckheimer’s name, bursts into a spontaneous standing ovation and vows to see the movie several more times.

* “Planet of the Apes”: Astronaut Taylor travels on horseback to the Forbidden Zone, where he finds, instead of the Statue of Liberty half-buried in sand, the Eiffel Tower half-buried in sand.

Pleased that the apes have somehow given the French their comeuppance, Taylor pumps his fist in the air and exclaims, “Yes!”