It’s Groucho-Like Time This Day at the Races

We were still a few minutes away from the start of Saturday’s fifth race at Santa Anita, the “Let’s Play Two” in honor of Mr. Cub, Ernie Banks -- and so Ernie took time to talk about the Dodgers.

Ernie is now living in L.A. part of the year and said he’d like to go to a Dodger game. He’s used to losing, of course, playing for the Cubs, so watching the Dodgers ought to make him feel right at home.

“Do you know Kevin Brown?” he asked. “If I come out to Dodger Stadium, do you think you could introduce him to me?”

I don’t remember another time in my life when I was at a loss for words.

“I’d really like to meet him,” he said, and he was serious in his Ernie Banks enthusiastic way. “Wouldn’t that be fun?”

A real treat, I said, and it was going to be one of those kinds of days....

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WHEN WE arrived at Santa Anita, we ran into boxing publicist Bill Caplan, Times boxing writer Steve Springer and horse racing handicapper Don King.

“That’s really my name,” said Don King, retired and living in Brea when not working for Santa Anita as an expert handicapper to assist customers who don’t know much about horse racing. I wish Bob Mieszerski could have been here.

Don King pulled out a credit card to verify his identity -- a Raider Visa card. That’s when we noticed the Raider tie and Raider watch. “Been a season-ticket holder for 21 years and go to Oakland for all the games, but I’m here to help you today.”

It was going to be one of those days.

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SAM PERLMUTTER, a two-time USC grad -- which gives a different meaning to the three strikes law -- arranged to have the sixth race named the “The T.J. Simers Trojan Horse Race.” I’m guessing God must be a UCLA grad, because He just couldn’t stop crying Saturday.

When the horses came on to the muddy track, Santa Anita bugler Jay Cohen played “Conquest.” I swear it began raining harder.

The wife and one of the daughters had tagged along, the Grocery Store Bagger canceling at the last minute because he had a “paper” to do for the Internet course he’s taking to improve his standing at Ralphs. I guess that’s the only time the tutor could work with him.

On the Santa Anita scoreboard they kept flashing: “The T.J. Simers Trojan Horse Race,” and I couldn’t agree more with the people I heard booing. They should have used larger letters.

Don King, expert handicapper that he is, told us Rubin’s Rose, Paradise Patty or Sultry Sound would win the Trojan Horse Race. I wagered on Babbler, for obvious Page 2 reasons, while Misery picked Surprisingly in the paper.

Quick Nip won. Misery had Quick Nip finishing last. We never saw Don King again, and now I wonder whether it was Santa Anita or Al Davis that sent him to help.

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WHEN YOU have a race named for you -- even if it is being done so USC fans can boo, spook the winning horse and trample the Page 2 columnist -- the real thrill is going to the winner’s circle to get your picture taken with the horse.

The wife is into something called “scrapbooking,” and I was told this picture was essential to making the day a success, although I couldn’t see how it could top the news that the Bagger wasn’t going to join us.

But as soon as Quick Nip won, track officials began groaning. While standing in the pouring rain we were told the owners of Quick Nip -- James W. and Marcia S. Equils -- were the only owners here who demanded no one join them in the winner’s circle for pictures.... It was one of those days.

I figured they were USC grads, but learned later James W. had gone to East Carolina, and you wouldn’t single someone out for that. Some horse owners such as Bob and Beverly Lewis, who understand the importance of promoting this dying sport, win a race, and if they had their way they’d invite everyone in the stands to be with them in the winner’s circle.

Once James W., Marcia S. and Quick Nip were led off, we had our picture taken with jockey Martin Pedroza. I was telling Pedroza that the jockey for Babbler should have been standing there instead of him while the photographer wanted him to smile. I mentioned something about Misery picking Surprisingly, and of course that got him to break out in a big grin.

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THERE WERE a lot of Trojan fans at Perlmutter’s party, but track officials said they had no reports of unusual behavior beyond the way James W. and Marcia S. conducted themselves in the winner’s circle.

The wife got Ernie’s autograph, and while I wouldn’t let her give Ed McMahon Mapquest directions to our home to help out the sweepstakes patrol, it was really a great day. (USC lost to Oregon, didn’t it?)

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TOM TOMLINSON, some big shot at USC’s law school, said his father wants to know why I use capital letters for the Bagger, but lower case for the wife and daughter. He said his father’s name is john, and he’s from philly....

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SPRING TRAINING is the time to learn about a team, and the Dodgers have to be happy with what they’ve seen in Guillermo Mota. As fast as he ran to the dugout and out of the park with Mike Piazza in pursuit, I think we know now who will be the team’s No. 1 pinch-runner.

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THE SPANOS Goofs suspended Kellen Winslow at the end of his career and so infuriated Dan Fouts he had his retirement news conference at his home so Charger officials could not attend. Now it’s Junior Seau making the announcement from his restaurant that the team wants to trade him -- the Chargers trying to avoid paying him a $2.7-million guaranteed roster bonus.

The surprise Seau announcement has upset fans and politicians and probably moves the team a step closer to Los Angeles. Aren’t you excited?

I’m telling you -- it might be worthwhile to set up road blocks.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Jonathan Moore:

“I am a grad student in the UCLA department of film and television.... For the past 11 months, I’ve been dating a lovely young lady. She’s everything I have ever wanted. I’m hopelessly in love with this girl and stand a decent chance of marrying her. There is only one problem: She’s a USC grad. And she has season tickets to USC football games. I kid you not, and it’s all true. I know you have opinions on things like this. Do you think it can still work?”

Fight on.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at [email protected].